13 AOÛT 2023
Broken heart
Daily comic
The black bookIt’s been a few days since I’ve posted.  During that time, some dramahas unfolded with S. which definitely put an end on this 10-month old mess. And yesterday, despite all the good work for the paper lab –making space, making sketches, practicing, exploring new tools– I couldn’t help but feel sad in the evening, alone. All I wanted that night , last night, was to be between the arms of a man that turns me on and that I turn on and that would make sweet love to me. And in a way, this is crazy -I’m sure many men would have fit the bill but where are they? And as  the story with S. shows, they can be midly  interested but it doesn’t  mean they’ll make love to you. This seemingly simple request  to the Universe turns out to be a complicated ask. Otherwise, plenty of people would be less alone.
And woven with this broken heart, this loneliness (for the first time, I *really* understood the lyrics of Hit Me Baby One More Time) was the sense, again, that 1) I wasn’t doing the work, and 2) I wasn’t being a good friend. Old refrains. So a voice popped into my head yesterday as I was walking and listening to The Blazing World by Siri Hustvedt. It said: stop feeling sorry for yourself. I even wrote it down. Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you can be anything. You have all the gifts, and so much light, and you don’t give it because you’re scared and distracted, which is another expression of fear.
So this morning, I started the Black Book, in which I transform into anything I want.
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